So, tonight, I did something stupid. I added my brother to my facebook. Except he doesn't know it's me because I used my old account with my fake name. (Well, if he reads this, he knows now..) I only added him really because I can never remember if his birthday is on the 17th 18th or 19th. I was pretty sure it was the 18th, but to be sure, I added him. As I 'stalked' him a little tonight, I happened upon pictures of my nieces, who I'm not allowed to talk to. I was hurting already from the stupidness of not being allowed to communicate with them, and looking at their pictures sure as hell didn't help my pain any. In fact, it only made it hurt worse. I want so badly to resolve things between my brother and I (I'm not ready to make nice with Cindy yet..) so I can talk to my nieces, but I'm still so mad at him. I get soo frustrated when I remember what he told me and what he did to me, but when I look at Madison and Amanda, I want to get to know them, and the strength of my love for them overcomes the anger I feel towards my brother. I'm lost for what I should do. I know the Bible says to forgive, and I have, but I just haven't told him that yet. If only there were some way I could talk to my girls without their parents knowing, even if it were just long enough to tell them how much their Grampie and I love them, no matter what their parents say. Because if Cindy had her way, the girls would hate me. The thought of that crushes my soul. I don't know what I would do if the girls hated me, its hard enough to know that they are being told that I hate them and that there is nothing I can do about it.
I just need them to know how much I love them, and that no matter what, I always will.
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